Are you speaking the right language to your significant other? PART 1

A friend of mine introduced me to the book, ‘5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman’. After reading the book and relating it to  a few relationships around, I wrote out  some take home points (more like take to my marriage points) and decided to make a blog post from it to help those experiencing such ‘language’ problems in their relationships. Even if you have read the book before, you should still read this post, you may get a new piece of information you missed before. I will divide the post into 2 parts so I can exhaust these ‘few’ points of mine. So, let’s go.

Love is in two ways, giving and receiving. When love is consistently given without receiving in return such love will eventually get frustrated. Everyone has his/her way of giving and receiving love that can be summarized into 5 categories. To maintain a loving and healthy relationship with your SO you have to understand how your SO wants to be loved, so you can love him/her the right way. All these languages working together in a relationship is wonderful, but we each have our primary love language that we crave for. So, if your SO is showing you love using another language, you won’t feel loved and your SO on the other hand will be feeling like ‘I am doing my best to love you’. What’s going on here is a misunderstanding not lack of love for each other.

Love Language 1 – Words of Affirmation

The tongue has the power of life and death. You can condemn someone with words of your mouth and with that same mouth, you can bring joy and love into someones life. Some people want to be loved with words. Read communication and relationships  Some parts of words of affirmation are:

  • Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. Many couples don’t know the power of verbally affirming each other. It can be as simple as saying how beautiful or handsome your SO looks after taking their time to dress up or complimenting your woman’s cooking, e.g I love the way you fry my eggs. Also compliment them for doing something in the house even if it is their ‘duty’ e.g you can tell your wife “I really appreciate you taking care of the kids today”. That way, your wife wouldn’t feel like it is her sole responsibility to do everything around the house even if she actually does everything. When you do this, your SO is more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something you desire.

The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.

  • Encouraging words. These are words that inspire courage. We all have areas where we lack courage and feel insecure. This can hinder us from accomplishing things we would like to. If your SO is afraid of doing what they love, encourage them. Your words may give your SO the courage necessary to take that first step. Encouragement is different from pressurizing your SO to do something you want. Only when a person wants to do a thing, can you give them the encouragement they need. Until they have the desire your words may sound like judgement.

For example

Telling your SO “go and lose weight, you are too fat” hasn’t encouraged them in anyway, rather you have condemned the person.

Given a scenario where the person tells you “I am thinking of starting a weight loss program and going to the gym”. What would be your reply?

Some people’s reply would be: ” Hahaha…you can’t even climb a flight of stairs without panting and you want to go to the gym? You better skip the gym part and stick to eating small quantities of food cause you eat too much”.

Some other people: “Thank God you have finally decided to listen to me and do something about this your weight. It’s already getting embarrassing. See how our neighbor is looking young and trim and you  both are the same age”.

Words of encouragement has empathy and sees it from your SO’s perspective not your’s. A more encouraging word would sound like this:

“That’s nice. I know you can do it. You are strong and disciplined, I know once you set your mind to it, you can do anything. Just know I am here for you. I can also enroll at the gym too so we can do this together”.

  • Humble words: Love makes requests not demands. In marriage we are equal adult partners. When you see it that way, you would learn to speak with humility to your spouse. This is different from a woman feeling the need to be ‘humble’ because she feels a ‘man’ must be respected. Men have no reason to talk to your wives/fiancee in demanding tones just because they feel they have earned the right as a man.

Love language 2 – Quality Time

Quality time- giving someone your undivided/undiluted attention. When your partner is talking to you, do you stare at the TV, while muttering some replies, thinking you are listening? Your partner wants your full attention at this moment but your attention is divided between them and the TV. You might think you are spending time with your SO while watching TV, but for someone whose primary love language is quality time, you are spending time with the TV not them.

Your SO may just want the both of you to spend time together doing chores and hobbies. They want moments when it’s just the both of you and no one else talking, laughing and bonding (apart from sleep time in bed). Some of y’all still end up watching TV in bed till you sleep off without connecting with, talking or holding your SO.

Doing something together and giving your attention to the other person is spending quality time together. The activity is a vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness. The important thing is not the activity itself, but the emotions that are created between the couple and the time spent together. Also spend time having quality conversations where you share experiences, thoughts, feelings etc. If your SO likes a particular activity, do it enthusiastically. This is not because you like the activity, but because it is your way of showing your partner love. Read Relationship tools

🙂 I will stop here for today.

Has your partner been complaining of you not complimenting them enough, or not being appreciative enough? Is “we don’t spend enough time together” all you hear from your SO, despite you working so hard to give her a good life? Now you can identify that this is the most important love language to them. In order to end all the bickering and nagging at home, start speaking the love language of your spouse. If you didn’t identify your SO’s own, you will soon, when I am done with the next post.

Thanks for reading. I always enjoy writing these posts. If this post has helped you in any way, or you can identify with it, kindly leave your comments below and let’s interact. Don’t forget to subscribe to my blog for more posts. Love.


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